Hitting The Wall

I did not keep up with chronicling my separation—obviously. Letting go was and is a long process, with my heart and soul cycling through grief, hope, sadness, exhilaration, anger, joy, and so on. Maybe I should have wrote through those conflicting emotions, but I didn’t want to. For no rational reason—I just couldn’t. Just like I didn’t couldn’t save my marriage. I had every reason to keep trying, but I couldn’t make myself any longer. I hit a wall.

What does it mean to hit a wall? I googled the idiom and was surprised to find that many of the top returns have to do with athletics, specifically running. It is when a runner pushes themselves to the point that they literally cannot go any further because they are too exhausted and too depleted. The wall is not external pressure, but rather one’s own body asserting itself and saying “enough.”

I hit a wall.

And the last year I’ve spent wrestling with myself because I didn’t finish the “the marathon.” So I replay this or that moment, sliding door moments where I made a decision to do this instead of that, a hundred or more moments that led to hitting the wall.

And so here we are. Now the separation period is over and the signed divorced papers are somewhere in the court’s process. The marathon has come and gone. I’m forming a new identity; it’s a frustrating process at times, but a happy one nevertheless. Most areas of my life changed over the last year or so: my kids are getting older so my relationship with them has evolved; I have had unexpected career opportunities; my writing and spiritual practice have aligned in ways I never anticipated; and I’m building a new romantic partnership with someone I’ve loved a long time. It feels like everything that defined me for the last 10 years has been upended. And so here I am, starting over.

A new year is ahead and I’m looking forward to building a new life, a re-enchanted life.